I've lost that holiday magic...

I really do enjoy Christmas. Once December 1st comes along, it's an endless string of parties, parades, activities, baking, cooking, shopping, and of course, eating. I get a little giddy at the thought of it.

As a kid, I could barely sleep on Christmas Eve. My sister and I would usually only make it until 3 or 4 in the morning before pounding at our brother's bedroom door. We would then head downstairs to see the gifts under the tree and stockings stuffed so full that things were spilling out.

Now, when Christmas Eve arrives, I feel sad and a little disappointed because I know that as soon as the wrapping paper hits the floor in the morning, it's all over.

"Pick me, pick me!"

We live in a very small community and in that community is a very small school. It's the school that big G attends now as both her father and I did when we were kids. It has a warm, personal atmoshpere where everyone knows each other.

Parents play a big role at the school. Providing hot lunches, breakfast, activities, etc...they work with teachers on a daily basis to keep the school running like a well-oiled machine. We've almost lost our school to government number crunching, but the school community has pulled together and fought to keep it open, on more than one occasion.

Since being home on maternity leave, I have thrust myself into this school community. I volunteer for everything and anything I can possibly do, with my four month old in tow. I've almost become obsessive about it. My worry is that if I do go back to work, then won't get this opportunity again. I visualize myself sitting in the front row of a classroom, frantically waving my hand at the teacher saying "pick me, pick me" every time something comes up that requires parent volunteers.

Luckily, my daughther is still at the age where she thinks having her mom hanging around is cool.

4 months and counting...

My new baby, little C, turned 4 months old over the weekend and suddenly I'm feeling this new found panic. Up to this point, I felt as if I had lots of time to decide my future and the future of my family. I don't know if I want to return to my job once my maternity leave has ended. Unlike some, I have a choice. Financially, there would be some things we would have to give up, but we would be fine.

The job I would be leaving behind is in childcare. I have worked in this field, in one form or another, for 16 years. Funny thing...I chose this field because in high school, I didn't think I was capable of doing anything else. I wasn't very confident and I didn't think this would be a very hard job to do. Boy, was I wrong! First of all, I think I turned out to be a pretty good teacher even though I got into it for the wrong reasons. I can control a room of twenty 3 to 5 year olds with ease (although at home I have to ask my six year old to brush her teeth several times). Second, I enjoy the centre I work at. There are some great people there and I am treated well. One of the perks of my job was that I was able to take my first child (big G) to work with me everyday, not many people get to do that.

So for now, I will continue to consider my options...before I have to decide what I want to be when I grow up.